


Amsterdam

by boleyn13



Category: Ant & Dec RPF, Britain's Got Talent RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, M/M, Separation Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:48:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26898466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boleyn13/pseuds/boleyn13
Summary: Ant watched the show because through the magic of television his living room was suddenly blessed with the presence of Dec’s voice. Ant got to see him. It helped and made him miss his best friend even more.They pretended that by the end of this year it would all be over. They would be back in front of the camera together like nothing had ever happened. Because it hadn’t made click in Dec’s head yet. He didn’t know yet that the whole world was his for the taking, all he had to do was reach out and rid himself of the chain wrapped around his ankle. Dragging him down.
Relationships: Dec Donnelly & Ant McPartlin, Dec Donnelly/Ant McPartlin
Kudos: 14





	Amsterdam

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song [Amsterdam](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqFB7ARLYTs) by Grace Davies

Catchphrase. Thank you to all the people watching. Closing lines. A flash of the most dazzling and loveliest smile directly into the camera. Closing credits and gone. Brilliant.

Ant reached for the remote control and switched off the TV. There was nothing else on that was interested in. The sudden silence in his living room seemed to take on a physical form and came to rest heavily on his shoulders. It was dragged him down, almost crushing him. A sensation that Ant couldn’t get used to although he went through the very same motions every Saturday Night.

His phone was lying next to him and for several minutes Ant just kept looking at it. Was it possible to have a staring contest with an inanimate object? If so, Ant was definitely losing it. Funny how fast things could change. Only a few weeks ago Ant’s hand had flown to his phone as soon as the show had been over. Back then Ant hadn’t been able to text Dec fast enough. To tell him how brilliant the job he had done had done. How sorry Ant was for not being there, for the fact that Dec had to do this alone.

For putting him through this would have been more truthful, but Ant couldn’t just bring himself to say that. He was pathetic like that. Mostly though Ant was afraid of what Dec might reply. So instead Ant had focused on telling Dec how wonderfully he had performed. That he simply could not go wrong.

It was the truth. Dec was doing amazingly on his own.

Ant wasn’t entirely certain if he had expected anything different. No, he hadn’t been surprised by Dec doing well, not at all and it had made him happy to see him succeed. For the first time in weeks Ant had felt an almost overwhelming spark of happiness and he had called Dec the very second the live show had been done. Dec had picked up after the second ringing. Ant perfectly remembered the relief in his voice and looking back it was bizarre how upbeat that conversation had been.

Now Ant felt like this had happened ages ago. Not a month.

Picking up his phone Ant studied the dark screen. A painful knot was forming in his throat and his guilty conscience was gnawing at him. Calls had turned into texts, that was okay. Work just didn’t end for Dec when the live recording stopped, he had other things to do than listen to Ant’s ramblings. Ant was sitting here, finding the mere thought of typing a message too painful to bear.

What kind of person had Ant turned out to be?

Dec was carrying none of the blame and deserved all the encouragement and praise. Ant desperately wanted to be the one to give it to him, but he could not stop thinking about the possible implications.

After doing twice the work for a couple of months now Dec had proven to everyone and their mothers that he was fully capable of working his TV magic alone. The press said so, the audience said so, the very few people Ant had talked to said so.

Dec didn’t think so though.

In no way Ant would describe himself a very educated or smart man. His most recent life choices had definitely proven that. Nonetheless there was one subject that Ant was an absolutely expert in. World leading luminary. Declan Donnelly. Some days Ant thought he knew Dec better than he knew himself and some days he did not. Ant definitely knew Dec better than anybody else. Even his family. So Ant was well aware that Dec considered this phase of his career as something he had to get through. Something to overcome. A hard struggle and ultimately things would go back to normal. They would be back together again, back at their best.

Although he was already doing it, Dec didn’t know yet that he was able to do it alone. Dec was so effortlessly charming, experienced and magnetic that he could walk on any stage and dazzle the audience. Capture them easily and lead them through whatever show he was presenting. The last weeks had proven that, but for Ant it was obvious that Dec had his doubts. That he didn’t feel like he was that amazing presenter everyone else was gushing over.

The darkest and ugliest part of Ant’s soul didn’t want him to know. The very same part that kept him from sending Dec that text which told him how wonderful he had been.

For Dec the idea of them not ever working together again still belonged to the realm of fantasy. A place that he went to explore. For Ant it wasn’t just an idea anymore. The last weeks had proven that it could quickly become their new reality. It wouldn’t take that much. Just one phone call. Or a text. Dec telling him that he was going to continue alone.

Done. One chapter of a life closed.

Ant’s heartbeat sped up and he tried to even it out again by taking deep breaths. He subconsciously tightened his hand around the phone. In this moment Ant was terrified. Paralysed with fear in a way that had been unknown to him for the longest time of his life.

Somebody must have told Dec by now. Somebody at ITV, somebody working in production or just a random person in the streets shouting at him. It must have happened.

“ _Hey, you’re doing quite well for yourself. You’ve always been the funnier one anyway. Why don’t you do it on your own? You don’t need the drunk. Cut him loose before he drags you down into the mud with him.”_

That’s how Ant imagines this part of the conversation. This is what he probably would say. It hurts him so much to admit it that the pain almost becomes an actual physical ache, but Dec does not need him. Until the day Ant had fucked everything up it had never been necessary to think about one of them having to do the job on their own. If they were capable of it. They had made their very first step in this profession together, in their best and worst memories the other one was always standing right next to them. They were a union. Or they had been.

Tossing the phone onto one of the couch cushions Ant got up to pace around the room. Sitting still was no longer an option. There was a good chance of him going crazy if he did. At times Ant felt he was in daydream that he simply couldn’t get out of. No waking up. Until a few weeks ago the possibility of losing Dec had not existed. Not in this life or reality. Now it suddenly wasn’t a mere possibility it was the most probable outcome. The corners of Ant’s eyes were burning as tears threatened to form.

Why was he such a pathetic piece of shit? Dec had nothing to do with Ant fucking his own life up. Perhaps Dec could have even stopped Ant from falling over that cliff if Ant had been man enough to ask for help. To go to his best friend and tell him that he was struggling, that he desperately needed someone to hold on to. Dec would not have hesitated, he would have been everything Ant would have needed him to be and Ant knew that. He had known it then. Why hadn’t he gone to him then?

Because the thought of losing just a hint of the respect and affection Dec had from was unbearable.

Naturally Ant had made things so much worse by not talking to him.

Dec deserved better. He deserved to go out there and conquer the world. While biting his lip Ant thought of what might happened by the end of this year. Nobody had even made an allusion to ending his contract. The higher ups still firmly believed in their appeal as a double act. Almost 30 years of Ant _and_ Dec couldn’t be ruined this quickly. There was no doubt though that the wind could very quickly start blowing from a different direction if the audience didn’t turn out to be as forgiving as everybody hoped. If they didn’t want Ant to come back there was no coming back and he would be damned if he was the reason Dec wouldn’t go on to be immensely successful and simply amazing. That was not allowed to happen.

A single tear slowly made its way past the corner of Ant’s left eye. He could not be the reason for that. But could he have a life that didn’t involve working together with Dec every single day? Dec would always be part of his life, Ant didn’t doubt that. Seeing him every other day just wasn’t enough. Ant was already suffering. He was trying to put the pieces of his life back together and most of the time that he spent with Dec was shared on a screen. It wasn’t enough time.

So many times they had told hundreds of different interviewers how lucky they were to have found each other. To have each other. What they had failed to mention was that they also needed each other. Or at least Ant did. Desperately.

He didn’t just turn on the TV every Saturday Night to make sure that Dec was handling the situation rather well. Ant knew that he was. No, Ant watched the show because through the magic of television his living room was suddenly blessed with the presence of Dec’s voice. Ant got to see him. It helped and made him miss his best friend even more.

They pretended that by the end of this year it would all be over. They would be back in front of the camera together like nothing had ever happened. Because it hadn’t made click in Dec’s head yet. He didn’t know yet that the whole world was his for the taking, all he had to do was reach out and rid himself of the chain wrapped around his ankle. Dragging him down.

Ant didn’t want to be that. He could never be the reason for Dec not being able to be the best version of himself. Just the thought of Dec having to pass on anything because of Ant…

By pressing his fists against his eyes hard Ant tried to force this idea out of his head. It was not possible.

The phone was still lying on the couch, staring at him. On the other end of the line, there was Dec. Waiting. Ant remained frozen to very same spot. What text was he supposed to write? The truth?

_You did wonderful. It could not have gone any better. Everybody loved it. Everybody loves you._

The whole truth.

_I am so jealous of every single person you shared tonight’s stage with. I am so scared that when you go to the US in a couple of weeks that you are going to finally see what’s all out there for you. Better options. Excitement. New places and people. Amazing challenges. And you can do it all alone. Take on the entire world. Who else but you could do that? You are the best person I know. I love you so much that I cannot bear the thought of you missing out on this chance. The thought of you leaving is just as bad. I am right in between and I cannot breathe. I am so scared that just one more text telling you how great you are will make you realise that you are better off without me._

_Don’t leave me._

_Don’t stay because of me._

_I love you_

_I am sorry_

Ant took a breath, trying to not get overwhelmed by the sudden intensity of his loneliness and the scary prospect of not getting to spend every single day with Dec. There was nothing worse that Ant could possibly imagine.

Except for Ant holding him back. Ant ruining a single opportunity in Dec’s life.

So Ant grabbed his phone and wrote a text. The truth.

_You were brilliant. How could you not be? You always are. Amazing job. Can’t wait to hear from you_

After sending the text Ant sat back down again, refusing to put the phone away. Not until he had received an answer from Dec. No matter what it might be.


End file.
